I had an epiphany today. Nearly all my unhappiness, my worries, my uncertainties are results of my slow drift away from my belief. I was raised Christian. Both my parents have held on to this belief that God not only exists but he loves everyone of us. And that only when I grow closer to him can I be 'truly happy.'
I remember my first Bible. My Mum had carefully selected all of the stories she believed would interest me. There was Noah's Ark, and the birth of Jesus among many biblical stories. I held on to every word. It made me feel safe knowing that there is a God who watches over me, this little scrawny girl who wasn't anybody special. That thought helped me grow through the years. I wasn't the smartest person entering high school but I worked really hard and I managed to achieve results I never knew was possible at the time.
Then, something happened. I started to doubt myself. I wasn't sure where to find my source of happiness. I drifted away at one point from my belief because I couldn't find that connection anymore. But I still prayed. Every night. I have been saying the same prayer for the last 15 years. I add bits and pieces to it but I pray for other people, I pray for myself and I thank God for everything he has done for me.
I relied on people to make me feel secure. I was a firm believer that all people are kind and good and wanted the best for me. I was wrong. I remember one night, I sat on my bed feeling completely alone. One of my best friends called me on Skype and I explained to her that I wasn't sure where my life was heading and why I was so unhappy. I didn't know what was missing. She thought about it and the next day, as promised, she sent me an email. She explained to me that the reason she found her purpose in life was because she believes God exists. Therefore she believes goodness exists. Her belief made her happy because she knows that there is more to life than our own selfish needs. We can do something for other people because God has done so much for us.
It took me another couple of months to realize what she meant. I believe in signs and one arrived right outside my doorstep. I had just finished my running session at the gym when I saw students wearing blue hoodies holding notices outside. I began talking to one of the girls and she explained that they were a Christian group. I was informed of the location of their Church. It was right across the road to the place I resided in. I had no reason not to check it out.
So check it out I did. And something pulled me, it tugged at my heart-strings. I no longer felt lonely. I can't explain why, or how but I can tell you that I felt a sense of connection once again. And it was subtle at first. I began to see things and people in a different light. I no longer wanted to be friends with people for the sake of not being alone. I wanted to be surrounded by people who cared about me and I wanted to be selfless again. People will always hurt you. And I accept that now when I once didn't, or couldn't. I understand that we are all selfish to a certain degree but there is a difference between protecting ourselves and favoring ourselves. As competitive as law school is, at the end of the day we are all human. So why not help each other out when you can? Why not want the best for people? Why not be grateful for what you have? Especially as now I've returned home to see my family, I can see that status, prestige and wealth cannot guarantee you a happy life. I want to see people happy. Whether they care about me or not.
I am a million times happier now than I have been in a long long time. I still care, I still work hard but I know what matters at the end of the day. And I'm grateful. So grateful. All the signs have guided me home.
I still have a lot of reflecting to do. How to be a better person every day. How to be closer to God. I need to look into myself and work out how to do that. I need to surround myself with good people, people who want the best for me. People I can give unconditional love to. And I must always remember that God not only exists but his love is greater than I can ever imagine.
