Take my hand, walk with me, we will find a home for your heart

'Take my hand, walk with me, we all need to grow up.'

Take my hand, walk with me, we will find a home for your heart.'

When I was living in Auckland, I was part of a group of post 1990's Asians growing up in a foreign country. I had an amazing childhood because everywhere I looked I could see a familiar face. 

I had never envisioned in a million years that anywhere else could be any different. My parents told me at the end of high school, that in the real world, far away from Auckland, the oriental look isn't the norm. No matter how fantastic or amazing of a person you are, there will be plenty of people out there who won't appreciate the way you look. Don't take these things personally. It is just how the world works. You look at the number of really beautiful Asian actresses and actors trying to make it in Hollywood, yet, despite their efforts they will won't become the Angelina Jolies or the Tom Cruises. Sometimes you just have to accept that as a minority, you are not ugly, you are different. And difference isn't bad.

I just wish that all of the amazing Asian men and women who grew up in other places around the world that are not as accepting of difference didn't have to go through this extreme amount of self-depreciation and self-hatred.

The hardest part of all of this is that most of these people become moulded into someone they never wanted to be. The toughest people, the ones you don't fuck with, they wither and bend as they realize they cannot control their own place in society. As a result, they try and fit in even if it means they have to throw away every single value they had grown up with.

And now I'm part of this culture. Where I now live, if you're Asian you're most likely an international student or a FOB (Fresh Of The Boat). People like me who grew up overseas are extremely rare. I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never completely become what society is trying to force upon me. I grew up in a very traditional Asian household. Yet, I grew up surrounded by Western Culture evident in the programmes and music I listened to. So, now I'm stuck at a cross-road trying to figure out where to go. But you know what I have learned?

I'm going to work my butt off and I am going to be a good person. Anyone who judges me or tries to push down my standards should really judge me by my character. Because I'm still Asian, I'm an oriental doll, not a porcelain one. And I am never ever going to let my upbringing slip. I'm beautiful in my own way which is the most beautiful a person can ever be. 

I'm not scared of any of this. I'm not trying to be Caucasian. If I spend my life trying to something I'm not, I will live with no light and no joy. If somebody wants to judge me, take a look at my character and then see if you can still pre-judge me. And this is to all the people out there like me. Don't ever think you are not good enough. Go after exactly what you want and work hard to establish your own place in society. 

Only then you will have found a home for your heart.

Be a woman of class

 

The feeling of unwarranted loneliness during the past few weeks had taken a toll on my mentality. I wanted to be understood and cared for. I was sick of making decisions, of domestic routine, of waking up to the sound of my alarm clock. I wanted to go home and cuddle with my little brother, have long meaningful discussions with my Dad and fall asleep in my Mum's arms. It was hard especially during Chinese New Year because I knew for the first time in many years, I would be alone on a day I would normally spend with my loved ones.

I didn't recognize myself anymore. I had changed from someone innately independent to a needy little girl. I realized at this time, I was the only person who could make things better.

I want to tell you something that might not cure your loneliness but it will benefit you in so many ways. I wasn't able to think clearly at first but I can now.

Here it is;

Be a woman of class. 

What I mean by class is someone who will never undermine herself no matter how she is feeling. This woman is confident in her decisions and can see the big picture instead of letting small mishaps or periods of loneliness affect her values and goals. She has a life she can be proud of because she knows her own capabilities and she doesn't need anyone to justify how fantastic she is. She can be there for the ones that she cares about because she doesn't crave reassurance from them, she enjoys their company. She doesn't compare herself to anyone else and she doesn't expect everyone to love her. She has that thing I talked about in one of my first posts called the inbuilt happiness. As a woman, you also need inbuilt class. No matter what other people say, what mistakes you have made in the past, you can move on without hatred or contempt. Class is about treating yourself right, treating others with respect and carrying yourself with integrity.

I was not a woman of class during my needy period. Actually I was far far away from where she stands. But I am wide awake now. There is always that point in time where you snap back into place. Before that, no matter what people say to make you feel better, it doesn't have any impact. I love the wake-up period because your mind is completely refreshed. But as you reflect on the past few weeks, you really cringe at the person you were.

All I can say is...

I'm back baby! 

I even treated myself to the Peace Love and Juicy Couture perfume so I smell amazing. Versace and DKNY scents are still my favorite but every now and again when I need a little help to retain my class, I will spray my Juicy Couture.

After a grueling two weeks of utter nonsense, I'm stronger than I ever was. I'm also a little sleepy. I will talk to you guys later.





My love forever and always.

Krystina